Montessori, Part 2: Don't say "good job" - ever

One of the hardest things about being "Montessori" is not saying "good job." Ever. Think about that for a minute, especially those of you who are parents. What would it be like to never say "good job" to you child? I'm sure, at first glance, you're thinking, "Are you an idiot? I have to tell my child he/she did a good job. What kind of an awful parent would I be if I didn't?" I was right there with you, trust me. And then I learned the "why" behind the "what." Alfie Kohn, one of today's most noted Montessorians, published a brilliant article called "Five Reasons to Stop Saying Good Job." Click here if you'd like to read it. To be brief, here are his 5 reasons why not to say "good job."

1. Manipulating children. Often, we say good job as a way to show the child has done something convenient for us (like cleaned up his/her toys) rather than actually indicating a good job. Kohn points out that we may be using verbal praise to manipulate children into doing what we think they should be doing. Rheta DeVries calles this "sugar-coated control." Children are naturally hungry for our approval, and if we give it to them in the form of "good job," we are inadvertently creating prototypes for people who have to have praise in everything they do in order to feel fulfilled with their work. And interesting thought, is it not? (Please ignore the unintentional rhyme.)
2. Creating praise junkies. Junkie? Seriously? Yes, junkie. Let me explain. Sometimes praise really is an expression of us being pleased with a child's performance. But, as mentioned above, continually using phrases like "good job" lead to conditioning our children to need external motivation and praise to feel good about what they have done. They rely on  what others think to guide their actions rather than relying on their own internal motivations and the satisfaction of knowing in their heart that they did do a good job. To quote from the article, "Mary Budd Rowe, a researcher at the University of Florida, discovered that students who were praised lavishly by their teachers were more tentative in their responses, more apt to answer in a questioning tone of voice ("Um, seven?"). They tended to back off from an idea they had proposed as soon as an adult disagreed with them. And they were less likely to persist with difficult tasks or share their ideas with other students." As Kohn says, "In short, "Good job!" doesn’t reassure children; ultimately, it makes them feel less secure." Before coming to Montessori, I never thought about it that way. Have you?
3. Stealing a child's pleasure. Kohn points out that every time we say "good job," we are inadvertently telling the child how to feel about what he/she has done. Rather than feeling self satisfaction for a job well done, he or she has now been told how to feel. Not in a bad way, mind you. I would argue that no one using the words "good job" means to manipulate someone's emotions or take away their ability to feel for themselves. But think about it. Kohn says it better than I: " Unfortunately, we may not have realized that "Good job!" is just as much an evaluation as "Bad job!" The most notable feature of a positive judgment isn’t that it’s positive, but that it’s a judgment. And people, including kids, don’t like being judged." An interesting thought.
4. Losing interest. By saying "good job," are we setting up an environment where a child will only continue an activity if we are there to see it and to praise it? Lilian Katz, one of the country’s leading authorities on early childhood education, has stated that, "once attention is withdrawn, many kids won’t touch the activity again." What an interesting thought. Think about your childhood. Is there anything you quit because the praise left? Hmm... Let me quote Kohn again: "In a troubling study conducted by Joan Grusec at the University of Toronto, young children who were frequently praised for displays of generosity tended to be slightly less generous on an everyday basis than other children were. Every time they had heard "Good sharing!" or "I’m so proud of you for helping," they became a little less interested in sharing or helping. Those actions came to be seen not as something valuable in their own right but as something they had to do to get that reaction again from an adult. Generosity became a means to an end." Wow. I don't believe I've ever thought about it like that before reading this.
5. Reducing achievement. Kohn argues that by using terms like "good job," we are setting a bar for children. If, for example, we tell them that the picture they've colored was good, will they then believe that this is as good as it gets? Are we capping their achievement by stamping things as "good?" Or, is a child doing a behavior simply to attract praise, rather than becoming the kind of person who really has that kind of behavior (i.e., sharing)? Are we training our children to fish for praise rather than training them to be genuinely good people by nature?

I know what you're thinking. "That's a lot of information. I'm not sure if I agree with all of that. Or any of that. Then again, I'm not sure I've ever thought about it before." Trust me, I'm in the same boat. And I'm supposed to be teaching this way. And I'm sure some of you are wondering, "So what do I do if I can't say good job? What am I supposed to say to them?" I'll give you an example or two.

• Susie colors a beautiful picture of a green puppy dog and the color is on the page and not on the kitchen table. Rather than saying "good job," Mom or Dad might say, "Susie, you've been working on that picture for a long time. Tell me about it. What have you enjoyed about it? What do you like about it?" This lets the child know that we are noticing her. It also lets her know that we value her thoughts on it. Does it invalidate the fact that the color is all on the page and not the table? Certainly not. In fact, you can bring it up. "I noticed that the color is all on the page and that there's none on the table. Were you trying hard to keep it all on the page? Are you practicing that? How did you like keeping it all on the page?" It's more engaging and time consuming, for sure, but it lets you interact with the child more.
• Jimmy finally remembers to do his chore of taking out the garbage. Mom or Dad might choose to say, "Hey, I noticed you took out the garbage. I know you've been forgetting that lately. How did you remember to do it? Is that something you're working on? What was your plan for remembering?" The parent has totally validated Jimmy taking out the trash and now Jimmy knows they know, but they are engaged in a conversation now. They are helping Jimmy express why this would be a good job and helping him build skills like making a plan and remembering things.

"But Jessica," you say, "that's a lot to do. I mean, I was raised with 'good job' and so was everyone I know. I don't want to look like a bad parent by not saying 'good job' to my kids." Wait, think about that. Are you looking for external feedback to see if you're a good parent rather than knowing you're doing the best you can?

I am by no means a pro at this. And I have by no means wrapped my head around the concept of not saying "good job." But, looking at myself and the way I am, I see traces of unintentional consequences of the "good jobs" I was doled out and am still doled out. Should I have to ask my husband if I'm a good person? Do I need to have someone tell me? Or should I be at a point where I know I've got room to improve but am satisfied with where I've come and am comfortable in my own skin? Are there gospel applications? See, this gets deep! Let me know what you think!