Out with it already

I'm going to say something. It's probably going to make some people mad. I'm okay with that.

I don't like reading about your pregnancy/baby/toddler.

There, I said it. And now I shall explain.

I would love to love reading those. But you know what? They make me feel bitter and angry. Not at you, because that would be ridiculous. I am bitter and angry that I'm not posting stuff like that. I don't like feeling bitter and angry, so lately, I've kept off of Facebook and shied away from the blogosphere. There are times when these places on the internet have brought me to tears, and I don't feel like that's fair to me, so I've started staying away. So if it feels like I've been MIA from the online community, it's because I have.

I'm not suggesting you stop talking about your pregnancy/baby/toddler. I am absolutely hoping to do the same thing at some future point in time. I'm just letting you know that, for my own sake, I'll be ignoring you if you do. It's just too hard for me, and I have to be okay with my own limitations and weaknesses.

This problem has been brewing for over a year and a half and has become more and more poignant for me in the last few months. I've probably had 20 different blood tests done, several of them requiring 24 hours of fasting before. (By the way, drawing blood on a 24 hour empty stomach SUCKS.) And I am completely normal - or so my doctor says. (Can I get that in writing?!) I've read every book, blog, and website I dare on fertility, timing, temperature, bla bla bla. I'm pretty sure every item of clothing I own or food item I eat or activity I do has been blamed by someone as being a factor. I've read biblical accounts of good, righteous women who struggled and how they found strength. I've heard everyone else's story of how they struggled for, like, three or four months (I hate those stories and I want to punch people who tell those stories - three or four months is ridiculous).

I hate feeling like I'm less of a person because I'm not reproducing. Good Christian women pop out kids by the dozens. And if you're not popping out kids, you are selfish, haughty, prideful, wicked... the list goes on. People at church talk about you behind your back, sometimes loud enough so that you can hear. And sometimes, they talk to your face. People ask if it's something you even want to do and when you think it'll happen. I'm going to say the following as nicely as I can: You don't know what a person is dealing with - don't judge them for what they appear not to be doing. I'm sick of feeling like I'm not good enough because I'm not a mom. No one should, regardless of their reason for being childless. Did you know there's an acronym for people like me? We're DINKs - Dual Income No Kids. Who comes up with this stuff? It's awful. No wonder I hate socializing at church.

I am trying to be nice about how I feel and what I'm thinking. I've not even unleashed a tenth of what's going on in ye olde brain over here. I do want to say one more thing - please do me a favor and don't comment to make me feel better. If you feel you need to express it, know that that kind of thing hurts my feelings right now. Especially from people who are parents already. I know that's probably not fair, but that's where I am right now. I would also appreciate it if you'd refrain from leaving comments telling me what to or not to try - that's just awkward, and I've probably read/heard your tip a million times by now. Don't tell me about medical procedures or adoption processes either. I refer you to the reason above - I've probably read/heard your tip a million times before. So then why write about this? Really, the point of this post is more cathartic than anything. I just need to say what I need to say and hope you understand if I am not as big an online presence for however like it takes to make me feel less upset about other people getting the blessings I so desire.