What I'll be doing with my life for the next few years

Today I was sustained as the primary president in our ward. And I'm totally overwhelmed. That's normal with a big calling, right? I mean, yeah I did this before in our student ward, but that was just nursery and sunbeams... and it just happened to be hell on earth (note - not because of the kids). So I guess I still need to learn a few things from children. Either that, or God has a twisted sense of humor. Or both. Whatev.

The bishop asked me a few weeks ago if I'd accept the calling, and oh boy did the water works begin. I told him about my previous experience (read: combined with 2 wards and I'm the only one called so Jessica = 16 people on Sundays) and how I would need some time to think and pray about it. What I didn't say (because there are some things you don't really want to admit to your bishop) is that after that experience, I seriously considered going inactive for awhile. We were about to move, and no one here would know, right? Yeah... that obviously worked out for me. Sigh! Back to the story...

The water works continued for the next 5 days or so, which included many hours of prayer, fasting, temple attendance scripture/resource reading, and talking to my mom/bffs. And I didn't feel any better or worse about things. That is frustrating as all get out. Anyone who's ever experienced silence can back me up on that one. All I kept thinking was, "Heavenly Father, if you want me to do this, knowing how much I do NOT want to do this, you've got to help me feel good about this." Eventually, after many breakdowns and thousands of tissues, I asked to speak with a member of the bishopric. I needed some reassurance that this calling was, in fact, a good idea. I spoke with the counselor over primary and he gave me a blessing.

I still didn't feel any better or worse, and was feeling so sick of feeling terrible about this. I felt like I really didn't want to do this, but felt like saying no was bad because you're not supposed to say no to callings. So I decided it was time for some action. I told Heavenly Father that I'd say yes, but he had to stop me if it was a bad idea and that it had to be different form last time. And I moved forward, picked some counselors, got sustained, and here we are. I went to primary today to try to figure things out, but needless to say, I'm completely in over my head and very overwhelmed. That's usual, so I'm not too worried. I just hope that it's better than last time, and I have faith that it is, because my counselors and secretary are totally amazing women who I look up to. So wish me luck, and if you feel so inclined, keep those poor children I'm over in your prayers. :)