Conundrum

So here's the deal. I like being happy. Who doesn't? I love being happy actually. And I live my life so that I'm trying to do what makes me happy. But occasionally, something that I think should make me happy makes me miserable. Or at least miserable for a time.

How do you tell if something is making you miserable briefly or if you really are miserable? What's the difference? It seems like an easy question, but it's not. At least not for me. I think I'm doing something that makes me so happy and as soon as I hit a rough patch, I muscle through. But if that rough patch doesn't go away quickly, I get miserable and I want out of whatever it is that is making me miserable.

But what happens if what is making you miserable can't be avoided? What if it's something you can't get away from? How do you deal with something like that? And why am I talking only in questions?

If you're wondering what the heck I'm talking about, it's my current relationship. I absolutely adore the kid. He's wonderful. But we've hit a rough patch. And then another. And then another. And the best part is that none of the rough patches have resolved, making the original patches seem even worse.

First it was issues with what other people were thinking. Then it was both of us being sick and not able to be together. And now it's issues with what we think the other person means but the other person really doesn't mean. If you've been in a relationship, that last one should make really good sense; if not, it won't at all. Anyway, I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it. I want to be with him, but I don't know if I should be. I am being totally irrational and catastrophizing (because that's what I do best) but after the heartbreak of last year, I desperately don't want to do that again. I've already been to the depths of hell for a relationship and I do not want to go there again.

So I guess what it boils down to is that I'm scared. I'm trying to run. How do you make yourself not run and try to see the good when you're so inclined to see the not so good? Conundrum! I just need to suck it up and let myself fall in love. Oh heavens, if only it was that easy. If it was easy, it wouldn't be worth it - I know, I know. But I hate that.